captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
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[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today