Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
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A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)