Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
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Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
He took my last fry, your honor
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Sorry I made promises on Friday
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.