I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
You Might Also Like
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
this… may be the greatest story ever told
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.