It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”