Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
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Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I told my vodka about you.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My safe word is Worcestershire
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
yes… yes…
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”