First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
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god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot