Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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mood
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS