Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset