I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs