Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
You Might Also Like
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Follow me for more recipes
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word