[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
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If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Writing, She Murdered.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”