Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
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I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Good morning y’all ☀️
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.