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Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
best first i’ve ever seen
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.