Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
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God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Only a mother’s love …
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
My work here is done
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
we’re gonna need another temp
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.