This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
🙂🙃🥹
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies