You Might Also Like
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”