Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
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me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Tony Hawk, age 6
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great