No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
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kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart