I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
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Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
so i’m at the stock market right
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.