All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
You Might Also Like
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.