There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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dam girl
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?