I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
You Might Also Like
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
🤯🤯🤯
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.