I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.