I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!