People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
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God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.