Love this guy
You Might Also Like
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
My biological clock is wheezing.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅