had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
WWE is French for “yes”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?