The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
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Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Left at a local drug store…
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing