[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
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How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month