This is funnier than it should be. 😂
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my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
my sentiments exactly
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.