[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
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I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.