2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
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It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP