If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
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“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
58.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Me :
All Day At Night
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars