Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
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Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
We like the way Dwight thinks
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!