Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.