Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
You Might Also Like
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Received some very disappointing news today
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
“That’s what” – She
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.