Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
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*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
the greatest twitter interaction
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?