Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
You Might Also Like
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Ferrari squats
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.