I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
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HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade