There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
When I snag the last meatball.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.