My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you