I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
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Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.