Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.