Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
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Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions