One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
My dad teaching me to drive
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.