I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
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Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Left at a local drug store…
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.