I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Customize Your Wedding.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.