I didn’t come here to be called names
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New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!