when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
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If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
79.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.